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This
topic took me a long time to write. I
finally realized why. I didn’t
want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I wanted everyone to be ok with what I
wrote, and last but not least, I doubted my ability to write something
constructive.
This
was interesting after I thought about it.
This is the definition of codependency.
When
I live my life through someone else’s eyes, I have lost myself.
Without me, there is nothing but you.
If you allow me to live my life through your dysfunctional behaviors,
then I am okay. Confusing yes,
but this problem does have a solution.
Codependent
people tend to trust people who are untrustworthy.
Now that you have that information, what are you going to do about it?
Probably the same thing you have done all your life.
“It won’t happen to me again!”
One
of the distinctive features of a codependent is arguing their point so when
they win the argument or discussion it means they must be right.
This is a false sense of self-esteem and the cycle can repeat itself a
thousand times a day. Have you
ever thought that a codependent knows what is right for everyone else but not
themselves? They tend to give
advice that they are unwilling to follow.
They provide solutions that seem ineffective in their own lives.
Therefore, on the outside they appear to have it “all together.”
On the inside they are dying.
Codependency
has been defined as when you die, someone else’s life passes before your
eyes. I tend to agree with John
Bradshaw who states that, “Codependency is cognitive deficits.” In other words, there is a bunch of stuff you never learned.
In
our family of origin, we learned to trust people we couldn’t trust.
We learned that promises are made to be broken.
When there is a possibility that we will be exposed as being unlovable
and unworthy, stupid and weak, as a loser and failure, we use our emotional
defenses to protect the wounded child in side of us.
Constantly being compared we learned to evaluate the world by comparing
it to other people. Judgment
became the game. When I judge
someone else I can feel better about myself.
These are the things we learned.
Hopefully
you can see that early education in the home was not the appropriate learning
tool to use in adult life. In
fact, it goes against the soul of society.
We stand out like a sore thumb and wonder why no one understands us. All of this we learned from approximately 60,000 parenting
hours and people we trusted to do it right.
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